I get jealous sometimes. It’s not something I like about myself, but it’s true. Sometimes I look at others and something awakens inside of me; a nasty, olive-colored goblin that asks me questions like, “Why aren’t you like them, Kiana? Why don’t you capture people’s hearts and attention? Why don’t you have any great achievements? Why have you lived almost twenty-five years with nothing to show for it?” These are questions that I do not have the answer to and cannot possibly be expected to contemplate at three a.m., which is when he stirs the most.
In my ideal world, I would enter a room and everyone and everything would turn to me like flowers turn to sunlight. And they would give me some sort of acknowledgement, something that says I know you. And I see you. And if it happened again, I wouldn’t mind. And then maybe Uptown Funk would play and I’d suddenly be able to dance and it would all be very good.
I guess the problem is deeper than jealousy. My brain is bullying me, and it has unlimited ammo. But maybe I’d be nicer to myself if there wasn’t so much competition. One minute, I’m looking at someone and admiring them—taking in their intelligence, their discernment, their social grace—and the next I’m wondering how I can get some of that for myself. My goblin is very industrious—always on the job, looking for something I don’t have and keeping careful notes for later.
I’m not always this way. In recent years, I’ve made great strides in being okay with who I am: someone who cares a lot, who likes fun and whimsy and who couldn’t live life without just a leeeeetle bit of chaos thrown in the mix. It’s just hard because I feel like the world around me is constantly giving me messages to change. Turns out, most people don’t want chaotic whimsy when the world is crumbling at their feet.
Recently, I have experienced several pretty big life changes. New congregation, health issues, deaths in the family and just a general anxiety about my life and where it is going. Am I the only person in the world who’s ever had problems? No. But they’re my problems, so when I catch myself splayed across a fainting chair thinking WOE IS ME, I try to cut myself some slack.
I want to look at this as a time for improvement. Although it may surprise you to hear, I am a true-blue optimist. Yes, even when I’m lost in the dark, I always find an extra match. It’s harder and harder to do that these days. I’m sure that you feel the same way. But I dunno. There’s only so many TikToks a girl can watch.
I don’t know how to end this. I never know how to end any of my writing these days—a side effect of not keeping up with my blog. But I’ll leave you with this—Dua Lipa’s new album comes out this Friday, so at least we can dance until the goblin gets tired. We’ll certainly have enough time.
There’s always an upside.